He was very much a grabber, a hands round the necker as well. I really thought, “This guy’s going to kill me”and there’s nothin’ I can do about it ‘cos I’m stuck in a fucking car wi’ him. How stupid are you? What are you doing?” It only lasted about twenty minutes or so. I kind of toughed it out, shut off to it, I had to shut off.
I don’t let him see that it bothers me. I used to take everything everybody said to me onboard. I’m trying to give him a more care-free attitude. I develop this persona like, “Well, I really don’t care what you’re saying. I can’t even hear it.” I put on this the mask every day with the makeup, the hair and the outfit. I do not let them see they’re grinding me down. It becomes tiring ‘cos you’re constantly having to be strong. I come home and I take the mask off. I can start to be a human bein’ for a bit. Be myself. That’s when I’m most vulnerable ‘cos there’s no pretense. I hear every word that’s been said to me that day. Sometimes it all sort of hits me. I don’t want them to like what I did, to give me praise, I don’t want them, I just want them to just leave me alone.
the doll
I saw quite a few foreign girls especially towards the end of my time on the streets. One of the worst for me was a wee girl, I think she was Romanian. I’d seen her working the streets quite a lot and I thought she looked really young. She was so frail. You could just tell that she did not want to be there. I’d smile and say “Hello” to her when I past her. One summer night I just got off the bus and I passed a doorway. She was in there with her wee skinny legs wi’ her underwear right at her ankles and this guy was obviously having his way wi’ her. She was just a bag of bones, just bein’ used in a doorway. I remember turning and her eyes met mine. She looked fucking dead inside, like she had so given up. While he was doing what he was doing to her there was nothin’ absolutely nothin’ there. Nothin’. She was so young. I saw the fucking arsehole that used to collect her money, he took her all money. I gave her half my money so she could get somethin’ to eat.